Caught Up.

Waking up early does something to you. It, in a very cheesy manner, reinvigorates the spirit. The dawn of a new day has some psychological effect on me. I've been steadily pounding away at a project (a few) between feets of manic depression and getting lost in books. It's coming along fine, and I find that working on them in the morning helps a lot.

That is, because when the sun starts hanging low in the sky, I'm the complete fucking opposite.

We haven't really spoken in a few days, but the hours stretch. They pull and extend and become days in and of themselves. I wait for her ringtone, and every second reminds me, she's got other things to deal with. I am considerate. I don't start dialing. But I break. I break and I can't help it and I text her, or I call her, or something. She doesn't pick up. My mind races up besides me to catch up, then sprints on past me, running wild with my imagination. Nobody has ever done that to me. Other girlfriends, I went days not speaking to them, and it was okay. I didn't sweat it too much. Except, she's not my girlfriend. I don't think. Not anymore.

About the only person right now that really asks about my day, what I was doing, what I'm going to do about my crap, is James. He's been helping to nurse me back to psychological health. Although, I don't think it can be too healthy as it includes a lot alcohol and profuse smoking. Somehow it helps anchor me. I'm pretty positive it'll fade once I realize it's only really hurting me more, but the ride is enjoyable. The people we meet, the situations we find ourselves in, it's a little more exciting and new.

My artwork is becoming something different. I like it, but I think it's becoming more introspective. The canvas and paper is riddled with linework and brushstrokes that aren't always made intentionally, but I feel they've been made by something else inside me (Hokey meter up past the 10 on the gauge, but whatever. It's true.). I wait to see what this develops into.

But right now it's daytime. It's not even noon and I've gotten some great things done. I'm going to carry on before night descends on me like vampiresque darkness, sucking my cheery marrow dry.